Carry Me Down by M.J. Hyland is my first book in what seems like a long time. Looking back at the date of my last book post (21 May), it hasn't been that long, but the craziness of the end of the school year and moving make that last book seem very far away.
Carry Me Down was a great return to reading with another author I've never encountered before. Her main character, John Egan, is one of those characters you wonder about long after reading the novel. Did Hyland invent him from scratch? Is he an amalgam of people she has known? Or is he somehow inspired by her own life? Like Dawn from Welcome to the Dollhouse, Todd Haynes's film, John Egan lingers, indeed tingles, in my mind still (though for totally different reasons than Dawn).
Hyland reveals a suffering pre-adolescent, unusually tall and physically mature for his age but with all the insecurities that arise unbidden from the well of puberty. Somewhere in all this, John comes to believe that he can detect lies. With his feet in both the world of his childhood and of adulthood, he fails to see that some lies are actually far easier to live with than the truths they cover. As he navigates these increasingly muddy waters, his fairly comfortable world seems to unravel.
The unraveling is more compelling for its contrast to the opening scene of (seeming) simple domestic tranquility. John's family lives with truths ignored or lies unconfronted, but reality invades. As it invades, we are left to ponder whether John is falling apart (understandably so) or manifesting the first signs of mental illness.
Are these the normal struggles of someone figuring out his/her sexuality while also trying to find friends? Are his coping mechanisms perhaps a bit self-destructive but temporary? We all spend a lot of time in our own heads at that age - part of the reason early adolescence can be overwhelming. Those things that trouble us can seem inescapable. John's behaviour is erratic, but we are left to wonder whether it's temporary or the beginning of something worse.
Days after reading the book, I am still thinking of John Egan, hoping that these were just 'bad' times and his behaviour just a phase.
That I'm still worried must mean that Hyland got it right when she wrote Carry Me Down. Be well, John Egan.
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